Time For Change

Today I am reminded of how unfairly adoptive parents are treated with regard to time-off work. Some other adoptive friends and I have been correlating data and researching options. Not only are adoptive parents given less time worldwide, but specifically the US laws are appalling when compared to other country policy. I will have much less time to spend with my son vs. a mother who has given birth to her child biologically.

We really have no good support in the US. I think this is probably why many moms stop working, as they don’t really have a choice (and as a result, we end up losing a lot of capable workforce members.)

Adoptive parents need this time off because they need to spend time working on the attachment process with their new child. This is a critical step in ensuring the adoptive children bond with his/her new parents. This process can take 6 months or more (especially for international adoptions when you don’t get the children home until they are a toddler, which is our situation.) I would argue that for the well being of the child who is going through transition in an adoption there is a need for a "transition leave" that a parent could take. I firmly believe that this will help to ensure the success of an adopted child to become a healthy and productive member of society, and there are many studies to support this.

• The only PAID time off I am eligible for are 10 days from my employer (and that is because of my company policy, not US law.)
• And then I will have up to 12 weeks UNPAID via the Family Medical Leave Act (though I can use accrued vacation as a part of this time if I have any days available.) However this cannot be in addition to the PAID leave mentioned above, so my max is 12 weeks.
• My husband has 5 PAID days off for adoption, with the same FMLA 12 weeks (again, it cannot exceed 12 weeks.)

So we essentially only have 3 weeks PAID. We can take a total of 24 weeks between us, but will have to use our vacation days if we are to get partially paid for the balance (21 weeks) of that timeframe.

I did find out that both the California and Washington laws are structured as insurance programs so that workers pay for the costs, lessening the impact on employers, and even this could be a “start” for the rest of the states:

• Washington's new law is a partial-wage replacement insurance program. The law provides for up to five weeks of paid leave for the birth or adoption of a child. The maximum weekly benefit is $250 a week, with pro-rated benefits available for part-time employees. The law establishes a 13-member legislative task force to determine the funding mechanism for the insurance program. Benefits under the law become available effective Oct. 1, 2009.
• California's paid family leave insurance program allows workers to deduct a small premium from their paychecks to participate in the State Disability Insurance Program. Employees taking leave qualify for 55 percent of their pay, to a maximum of $882 per week, for up to six weeks.
  It seems that in Canada, they have parental leave which allows 35 weeks at 55% of pay (similar to CA, but longer timeframe)… Although maternity leave is an additional 15 weeks (of which adoptive parents are not eligible for.)

So… I am frustrated.

I am sending a letter to our senators and also sent a note to HR… however I am not holding my breath for change.

Even a Beautiful Sunny Day Isn't Helping...

Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds. Because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. JAMES 1:2-3

I was thinking about what how to sum up my thoughts... thinking about how sad I am today. It is beautiful outside - 83 degrees, but I can't seem to find my smile.

• We went to church and this sadness came over me as I watched a baby boy get dedicated (I was imagining the day we get to take Samuel up there.)
• We went to the mall and into Pottery Barn Kids - big mistake (why do I do that?!)
• I read about someone being in MOI for 2 years... wow, did that send me into a tailspin.
• I am at the end of my rope - truly. I don't know how to get through another year+ of this. I am getting older by the day and our house feels empty. We have some really great times together, and I try to appreciate each of those moments, but the truth is, we have had 15 years of moments "alone" - we are ready for a family.
• I wish I could remember how life was before Samuel, so that I didn't have to feel the pain of not having him in our life.
• I am tired. Feeling old. Trying to keep perspective. Asking God for his help.

Then I read Stephanie's blog and she summed up a lot of my issue... this idea that you are missing some step, or not doing something you should be. You check this blog, or that website or the GLA site to see if anything has bee updated with new information... but usually it holds no answers that provide peace: http://iansadoption.blogspot.com/

Be Still
I have spent much of this afternoon online, checking and re-checking e-mail and Googling every possible variance on the words "Haiti adoption" ... searching in vain for something that will connect me with my boys and confirm this crazy hope inside of me that all will work out on this trip.

But in the end I am reminded that there is not going to be a voice from the sky or a bolt of lightning to tell me how this is going to play out. Instead, this is one more exercise in waiting patiently on the Lord for His decision, not mine.

Frankly, I am not very good at this part.Psalms 46:10 says:

"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."

2 Things for Tuesday...

1. Another couple just returned from their Haiti "judge visit"... she has some videos posted on her blog (toddler house, not the main house where Samuel lives.) They are fun to watch and see GLA: http://lilacsinbloom-bsc.blogspot.com/
2. For anyone who reads this post... I just ask that you take a couple of minutes to say a specific prayer in "this very moment." a) For Samuel's file to continue to move through the system this year b) for my friends files that need to move as well... So that we can bring our children home by next spring, if not sooner c) and for Dixie / GLA that they have the resources they need to run the orphanage.

I know it can come true… I believe God is listening.

For where there are two or three gathered together -- to my name, there am I in the midst of them. - Matthew 18:20

Investing in People

Each day I receive updates from FamilyLife… I just liked the message of this one in particular and felt like maybe I should share it. I think when I read the list of "eight cardinal virtues" below, I felt like I have some big gaps. However, it didn't get me down, but more inspired me. Maybe I will print these out and hang them on the bathroom mirror! J

And I guess I relate this to my life right now because it's so easy to become negative & cynical in this adoption process. When it feels like we have to climb mountain after mountain and have to cross rivers that are a mile-long, with the strongest currents we have ever known. It's easy to become self-absorbed and play the martyr. I don't want that for my life... and I think when I step back and just breathe... listen to others and "give" vs. "take" I am a better person --- which means I am better able to deal with this very tough time in life. I can't keep being negative... I will never make it over the next year. I will become old and I don't want that for my life.

September 19: Investing in People

Admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Who are the people that have meant the most to you in your life? Who has had the most influence in your life? Your parents? A coach, a teacher or a Sunday School teacher? Undoubtedly they challenged you to rise above the status quo. I remember people who cared about my character and who inspired me to a solid standard of holiness, devotion and diligence.

The bottom line? They all called me to noble, pure virtues.

Others have also stepped out of the herd and stepped up. Consider the famed scientist and inventor George Washington Carver who once wrote down what he called the "eight cardinal virtues":

1. Be clean both inside and outside.

2. Neither look up to the rich nor down on the poor.

3. Lose, if need be, without squealing.

4. Win without bragging.

5. Always be considerate of women, children and old people.

6. Be too brave to lie.

7. Be too generous to cheat.

8. Take your share of the world and let others take theirs.

Virtuous words. Yet even from a distance of nearly 100 years, they touch us at a deep level of our souls and call us higher than the selfish parts of our natures typically want to go.

I encourage you today to be careful where you look for inspiration—be sure that the people who influence you are those who can be counted on to lead you in the paths of purity and righteousness. And I encourage you to become an influencer, one who has the thick-skinned courage to step out and up and motivate others to be Christ followers.

I will never understand my tears...

I will never understand the source of my tears… are they tears of joy, sadness, exhaustion, delight?  Sometimes the things I think “should” set me in a tailspin of sniffles, instead lead me to a state of indifference, withdrawal and a state of neutrality.  And sometimes the things that set me off are not the things I would expect...

I was reading Susan’s blog (nurse at GLA) and I thought “I wonder if she posted anything about Samuel when he arrived at the orphanage.” So I went back to check on that timeframe, and look what I found?!

I was in tears. Amazing how it just hit me. Everything seemed to match up (including a picture we have from around that same time.) Weight, timeframe, story about eating, etc…

I think more than anything I was excited to have a story to share with Samuel Chancelet one day; something more to offer him when we asks questions. I just loved reading this blog post and I just felt thrilled to have this for him.

...and if anyone says it's not him... well... don't tell me please. :-)

Photo on Susan's blog...

Photo we had already...

http://heartsongsfromhaiti.blogspot.com/2008_12_01_archive.html

SUNDAY, 14 DECEMBER 2008

....and I am in love!

At 12lb, our newest baby boy was petite for a 6 month old. With wide eyes, long lashes and a perfectly round baby face he was also extraordinarily beautiful.

Whenever a new baby arrives, the nannies bathe them right away. They lotion them up, they apply baby powder to their neck, underarm and groin areas, and then they dress them in clean clothes. Many Haitian Mothers simply sponge their babies down rather than immersing them in a bath tub. Our hygiene rituals must seem quite strange to the new arrivals. This little boy, like most, voiced his protest quite loudly! The baby was clean, fresh smelling and distinctly unimpressed when the nanny passed him to me to be weighed and fed.

New admissions arrive in the high care room regularly and it is always special to give them that first bath, and that first bottle of warm milk.

Our new boy, though, spat the teat out. 'He doesn't know how to suck', one of the nannies observed. No-one was surprised. When Mothers die or abandon their infants in this country, their families are rarely able to afford bottles or formula. They feed the babies whatever they have in the house; usually broth or porridge. With this in mind, we offered our new little friend some milky cereal, which he ate with great enthusiasm. It is possible that he had been spoon fed all his life.

It took several weeks and a lot of patience to get him to accept liquids, even from a spoon. Initially, we gave him milky cereal and gradually made it thinner and thinner as the days passed. Although the baby is able to drink from a bottle now, he still prefers to eat.  But you see, the little man in question is blessed with many beguiling ways, and so this intensive work was no burden at all. From the very first day, when those liquid eyes fixed on me, and those tiny arms reached up, I knew I would do anything for him.

And when I lifted him up, and pinched his cheeks (I couldn't help it, and of course, that's not my fault) he squealed with delight and threw his arm up over my shoulder. I knew then that I would do anything for him a thousand times over. Then, when he fell asleep with his head on my chest, breathing softly on my neck...

...Oh my goodness, I thought, I am in love!

And I absolutely maintain that it is his fault, not mine.

Two Suggestions...

1) Read the book “Mountains Beyond Mountains”

2) Watch the PBS Video: Dr. Jim Yong Kim - Partners in Health (Bill Moyers interview) - http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/09112009/watch2.html

I think I could sit and chat with Dr. Kim for hours…

Chancelet August Update!

Look what just came in! I love the backdrop for this month… I am smiling… big smiles.

----------------------------------------------------------

August greetings from Haiti, Joe and Jill!

Here at the main house, one of the volunteers’ and children’s favorite activities is bathing in the tubs and pools on the balcony. This is an especially fun activity during the hot summer months, and most of your children love being in the water. In honor of this pastime, this month’s photo theme was “Bathtime Babies”!

Chancelet is a little darling with such a great personality. As he is getting older, his personality is coming out more and more, and he just has such a cute one.

• Weight: 16 lbs 10 oz
• Height: 27.5 inches (70 cm)
• Adoption status: Courts

I hope that August has been a time of blessing for you and your family! In many ways, August has been very calm for us here at GLA, and that is truly a blessing. This is especially true since Dixie has been in the United States for fundraising; we are always thankful when things go smoothly in her absence. Another blessing of “calm” is the lack of any hurricanes or tropical storms yet this year. We have received only the cooling rains, none of the destructive winds and flooding.

We have certainly been busy this past month, with many volunteers and a team coming to work at GLA. This has meant lots of love and attention for all of your children, both at the main and toddler houses. For most of the month, every child in the main house had a volunteer working with him or her every day. The older children at the toddler house participated in a vacation Bible school (VBS) with the visiting team. The extra activities were fun for them, especially as August is their “summer vacation” from school. The kids have enjoyed the extra play time, but now that the month is almost over, they are ready to get back to school in a few days!

There is a time for everything,

And a season for every activity under heaven.

~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

Bittersweet

It’s been a roller coaster of emotion this weekend.

The complete sky-scraping emotion of moving out of Parquet… to one feeling discouraged and a bit like I should just keep my mouth shut. I have so often been that person associated with the “green monster.”** The one who is genuinely so happy (and I truly mean that) to see other files move along, but then have my alter-ego rear its ugly head and wonder why on earth we are “stuck” in a stage… or had to endure infertility hardships.

The thing is… I want people to be honest. Because that gives me the freedom to be honest back… And the people going through this Haiti adoption process have all experienced both the good feelings and the bad feelings. This process has no logic associated with it – and that is why all of us (including GLA) are often times at a loss for explanations and words. There is no FIFO (first in, first out) method used here… it’s more like “the top of the pile” method… So… if I were at the bottom of the pile, I would be angry, frustrated and wondering what I should be doing differently.

But for some reason, it seems that our file ended up in a stack that someone probably looked at and said: “I need to make some room on my desk, so I will get these files moved out.”

BUT…

I also don’t want to discount miracles and God; his hand in this… But if I do acknowledge this, then how come friends haven’t had their files move? See… I can’t go here because I don’t understand it…

AND…

At the same time, I have been on my knees so thankful for movement. I pray each day for friends… I am not in this process alone – all of us are enduring this same pain and frustration. I don’t want to be selfish and let that green monster have any influence on me.

I miss my son. I love that kid so much. Until I met him, I hadn’t experienced being a “mom.” I got a small taste and I want it back. I think we have a lot to give to SC and I would rather spend that energy on him vs. on myself…

At any rate… I decided to make SC a new book for Christmas. I decided to blow up this photo in a 5x7. I am hoping he can have some moments of “recognition” when he finally comes home. The rabbit was given to him by my mom… and the picture is hanging in his room (which is completely empty at the moment – that’s a story for another day…)

** The "green monster" is a borrowed term from a friend's blog. :-) I don't take credit for the evil monster, though I do have my own! :-)

Into Courts: I am at a loss for words...

All day today I had been a bit "down" regarding the "no monthly picture update" yet, and also just trying to determine if our judge visit actually qualified for the new requirement.

Our Portland rep is on vacation as well, so I was feeling frustrated as I hadn't heard from the Seattle coverage.

So... I was absolutely shocked/stunned when the following email came in:

Dear Jill and Joe: Great News! Michigan
just talked with Dixie and you have been approved in
Parquet!

To be honest, I thought it was a "re-quote" that we we in Parquet. I thought to myself: "I know... Stephanie had shared this super news with us 5 weeks ago when we were in Haiti."

And then I re-read it... and then... I started crying, wondering if I had read that right? I tried to call Joe at work, my mom at work, my dad at home, my friend at yoga... It was like I was alone in the world! So I got down on my knees and prayed - thanked God because I knew this one wasn't supposed to happen like this...

Then I emailed some friends... and thought about my friends in IBESR and Parquet. It was a catch-22 on how to feel. I want everyone to MOVE forward... I want everyone to be a part of this "success" week. So many good things have transpired this week; I honestly had NOT ONE thought that we would be participants in good news. No expectation of that.

• I honestly am stunned.
• Down on my knees to God, knowing that this is HIS miracle
• I am thankful for adoption friends who are excited for me, but who can also be honest and share the pain of not moving through *yet*
• Thankful for those family member and friends who are praying specifically for this process and that we can bring SC home.

I had been spending way too long on a video/song compilation (in my sadness, thinking of Samuel)... but it has turned into one of joy. It's a video I will never forget: 9/4/2009

TURN THE SOUND UP. :-)

Plagiarizing with Pride (twice!)

Maybe it has been a long week. Maybe I am out of meaningful words. Maybe it’s that I realize I can’t say it any better than those who have written before me. Whatever the reason, I thought I would “borrow” these thoughts from a comrade because they resonate with me & are relevant (I will ask her for forgiveness later…)

I have thrown around the word “attachment” here and there on this blog. I will be explaining more as the months go on…and on..and on..

To many we have said, “When our child comes home, we won’t be out and about meeting everyone right away. We will need to develop a bond at home and keep him close to us.” Etc…. Etc…. Most people just nod and listen. Some ask questions, etc… Some don’t say much. One friend told me that some people might be “put off” by those comments and others will be OK.

I will continue to write about attachment here. But for now, I direct you to Laurie’s blog. This is her update. It gives some insight into the whole attachment issue… at least for me. As Laurie points out…the children have many volunteers in their lives…. And, things aren’t just “perfect” when they arrive home. The post is called “Real”

http://thewatsonunit.blogspot.com/2009/08/real.html