Bittersweet

It’s been a roller coaster of emotion this weekend.

The complete sky-scraping emotion of moving out of Parquet… to one feeling discouraged and a bit like I should just keep my mouth shut. I have so often been that person associated with the “green monster.”** The one who is genuinely so happy (and I truly mean that) to see other files move along, but then have my alter-ego rear its ugly head and wonder why on earth we are “stuck” in a stage… or had to endure infertility hardships.

The thing is… I want people to be honest. Because that gives me the freedom to be honest back… And the people going through this Haiti adoption process have all experienced both the good feelings and the bad feelings. This process has no logic associated with it – and that is why all of us (including GLA) are often times at a loss for explanations and words. There is no FIFO (first in, first out) method used here… it’s more like “the top of the pile” method… So… if I were at the bottom of the pile, I would be angry, frustrated and wondering what I should be doing differently.

But for some reason, it seems that our file ended up in a stack that someone probably looked at and said: “I need to make some room on my desk, so I will get these files moved out.”

BUT…

I also don’t want to discount miracles and God; his hand in this… But if I do acknowledge this, then how come friends haven’t had their files move? See… I can’t go here because I don’t understand it…

AND…

At the same time, I have been on my knees so thankful for movement. I pray each day for friends… I am not in this process alone – all of us are enduring this same pain and frustration. I don’t want to be selfish and let that green monster have any influence on me.

I miss my son. I love that kid so much. Until I met him, I hadn’t experienced being a “mom.” I got a small taste and I want it back. I think we have a lot to give to SC and I would rather spend that energy on him vs. on myself…

At any rate… I decided to make SC a new book for Christmas. I decided to blow up this photo in a 5x7. I am hoping he can have some moments of “recognition” when he finally comes home. The rabbit was given to him by my mom… and the picture is hanging in his room (which is completely empty at the moment – that’s a story for another day…)

** The "green monster" is a borrowed term from a friend's blog. :-) I don't take credit for the evil monster, though I do have my own! :-)