Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds. Because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. JAMES 1:2-3
I was thinking about what how to sum up my thoughts... thinking about how sad I am today. It is beautiful outside - 83 degrees, but I can't seem to find my smile.
- We went to church and this sadness came over me as I watched a baby boy get dedicated (I was imagining the day we get to take Samuel up there.)
- We went to the mall and into Pottery Barn Kids - big mistake (why do I do that?!)
- I read about someone being in MOI for 2 years... wow, did that send me into a tailspin.
- I am at the end of my rope - truly. I don't know how to get through another year+ of this. I am getting older by the day and our house feels empty. We have some really great times together, and I try to appreciate each of those moments, but the truth is, we have had 15 years of moments "alone" - we are ready for a family.
- I wish I could remember how life was before Samuel, so that I didn't have to feel the pain of not having him in our life.
- I am tired. Feeling old. Trying to keep perspective. Asking God for his help.
Then I read Stephanie's blog and she summed up a lot of my issue... this idea that you are missing some step, or not doing something you should be. You check this blog, or that website or the GLA site to see if anything has bee updated with new information... but usually it holds no answers that provide peace: http://iansadoption.blogspot.com/
Be Still
I have spent much of this afternoon online, checking and re-checking e-mail and Googling every possible variance on the words "Haiti adoption" ... searching in vain for something that will connect me with my boys and confirm this crazy hope inside of me that all will work out on this trip.
But in the end I am reminded that there is not going to be a voice from the sky or a bolt of lightning to tell me how this is going to play out. Instead, this is one more exercise in waiting patiently on the Lord for His decision, not mine.
Frankly, I am not very good at this part.Psalms 46:10 says:
"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."
OH! i read this today and thought of all of us.
ReplyDeletesearching searching searching allllllll the time.
it's so hard. i wish i could make it better. and feel pitiful that i can't.
i only have my friendship, empathy, and love to offer. i'm sorry for how you feel. i am with you.
cathleen
Jill, I appreciated you stopping by today. None of us is alone in this. Sometimes that helps a little. Praying that Samuel is home in your arms soon, very soon.
ReplyDeletePraying hard for you Jill. I want Samuel home with you SO badly. I pray you hear some good news about courts very quickly and can move one step closer to bringing that baby boy home! He will be there one day. He WILL. I pray you can find some peace in the hope that brings. ((Big Hugs from Iowa))
ReplyDelete