I am anxious about this trip.
This however is not driven out of worry regarding safety, weather, getting sick or other things one should probably be concerned about when traveling to
This trip though – it is different, and I am nervous (maybe even a little scared.)
I am meeting my son for the first time. I don’t know what that feels like. I am afraid of his reaction; afraid of my reaction. I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings on this subject, but the closer the date comes, I have noticed my fears coming to the forefront of my mind. I have played that “first meeting scene” over and over in my mind. I have data points via videos and descriptions of what it is like, so I have pieced together my own scenario. All the adoptive parents I correspond with have nothing but good things to say about this experience, so I should be looking at this as being all upside. I know this.
I am afraid of leaving
And then… we wait at home for another 6 months, 12 months, 18 months… however long it will take until this adoption is finalized. Waiting… This next year is going to be so hard. We are missing so important moments and interactions in his life and sometimes I get weighed down thinking about it. The red tape of all this makes no sense when it is keeping families apart, and keeping the orphanages from taking in new little ones.
However, I don’t take this opportunity to meet Samuel Chancelet for granted. I would not trade it for the world and I know I should be rejoicing in the fact that I get to meet my son! I am just anxious. This whole process is just crazy - when I think of how long I haven’t had a kid (or been able to) and now all of a sudden we are about to meet our 1-year old son in
I pray God will give us strength to learn & grow - and that this experience will give us strength to get through the next year + of waiting.
Jill,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you are setting yourself up to fall head over heals in love with Samuel Chancelet, and I think that is WONDERFUL. I've been skeptical (though that's probably wrong of me) when I hear of parents going down there and not having those emotions you are experiencing. I think they are putting up a wall between their heart and their child's. You are not doing that and I think your son will feel your love very quickly! Even if he doesn't smile when he first lays his eyes on you, he will bond with you by feeling your deep love for him. I understand that leaving will be difficult and I will be praying fervently for you. What brought me the most peace was knowing my kids are in a great place and in the Hands of God until I return, and I was only hurting deeply because I loved deeply, and that is okay. (The airline personnel ignored me just fine:))
I hope for just a few moments in Haiti you are able to let your fears go and just have a wonderful time, forgetting you will leave soon. Experiencing GLA and Haiti will be awesome, and getting to look into your son's beautiful eyes... brings tears of joy to my eyes just thinking about it!
I can't wait to hear all about your trip and will always be available to chat!
Have fun packing!
Jaime is very wise isn't she? I am going to piggyback on her advice because I feel alllll of those things you feel, plus a little about getting sick, because I always do!
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking and praying for you. I haven't read one account from a parent where they haven't said it's hard upon return, so we should expect that. I am just trying to do what Jaime said, visualize positively the experience and let go of the fear while there.
Good Luck-I wish I could make it easier.
Cathleen
It is going to be SO hard, but also SO great!!! I can't wait to hear all about little SC! I don't blame you for being afraid to leave however...I know I would feel the exact same way. It's going to make everything just that much more REAL. I'm still thinking positive though...IBESR is going to SPEED UP! This wait is not going to be as long as we think (fingers crossed)!
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